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If These Walls Could Talk.....


The day I realized I needed help with my mental health, I sat alone in my two bedroom apartment in the dark crying for two hours. What could possibly bring me to THAT low point, you might ask? I have come to believe God has a sense of humor. I never wanted children. The word never was ingrained in my vocabulary. I would say it out loud , under my breath or even in my silent prayers. I used the word "never" so much that it came true.


I sit and think of a simpler time in my life when I was a six year old little girl, shy, with pigtails in her hair, mud pies for sale in her pocket and bringing the world a ray of sunshine with my kindness and smile. A time in my life before my journey in motherhood began.


What started out as a free trip to the circus quickly turned into me feeling depleted and reaching out for help with my mental health. Early that night I had plans to attend the circus with my son along with my really good friend who is like a sister to me and her two sons. I was given tickets for FREE entry into the circus, but when we got there I learned I needed to pay. My son was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hypertension Disorder and PDD (Persuasive Development Delay). By this time I had spent the last five years in training in how to handle his behaviors especially in public. I had been in many situations before with my son having outbursts in public spaces. I didn't want to revisit those moments. I wanted to keep my son HAPPY by all means necessary, so I had used all the money I had in my pocket to attend the circus.


At the end of the show it was time to go home and we said our goodbyes before boarding the local subway , as the train approached for us to get on my son began to have a meltdown. He was still excited from the circus and he whined the entire ride home. Once we reached home, I opened the door and I gave him a look of defeat and he went bedroom like nothing just happened. I sat at my dining room table, in the dark, with my head in my hands and just cried my eyes. I asked myself questions like : What did I do to deserve this night? How can it get better? Where did I go WRONG? I didn't ask WHY,  because I was taught that you don't question God for the gifts he has given you. So I wiped my tears away and remembered that there was a number on my state issued insurance card for mental health support so I swallowed my pride and I called for help.


Now with more questions I thought: What are they going to think of me? What do you expect us to do? Will they ask what's wrong with me? I took a deep breath, dialed the number and awaited for someone to answer the phone, an operator answered I calmly said my name and that I was a member and I needed mental health assistance. The person on the other end took my information, a detailed description of what my issue and they said that they would get back to me ASAP. 


A year went by, at this point. A trip to the dollar store with my son to purchase a calendar reminded me that I hadn't heard anything back about seeing a therapist. I called to inquire about my status, the operator was surprised I dealt with what I had to dealt with for so long and immediately pushed my case to priority. From that day I called back to inquire to the present, I have had 12 therapists, from three different agencies. I had state insurance so i had to go with what options were available to me.

I'm here to say, asking for help doesn't hurt, unless you don't ask. If I didn't know I needed help. I wouldn't be here writing this story and if a doctor told me I needed help, I wouldn't have believed them. Having multiple therapists made it seemed like I was really insane. At one point I thought my life story was harsh, every two or three weeks I would be meeting a new therapist. When I asked what happened to my last one they gave me a nonchalant answer. I had to keep starting over and over until I did get a therapist that lasted more than two years. At the present I am working with a therapist that suggested I contact a trauma therapist to help with all my traumas which sounds like a great idea. Keep at it and you'll get the results needed to live.

China's Chronicles

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